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An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a
pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies
buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks
disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman
picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman
reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and
shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
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My pilot decided to "abort take-off" on the runway in San Diego. I
don't know about any of you, but "abort" and "take-off" are three
words that I believe should be kept apart. He got the plane up to full
speed and just when we were about to lift off, he jammed on the
brakes. He came over the PA and announced that he was sorry, but he
was still tripping his face off from an all-nighter on acid and he
could have sworn he saw a beaver building a dam across the runway.
- zach braff
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mujo doduse u grad i tu noc ide u bordel. popije kavu i onda gazda
dode i pozove cure vani. sedam cure se poredaju ispred mujo i gazda
mu pita koja cura hoce za noc. mujo kaze: "treca". dobro, mujo ide
gore u sobi s curom i obavlja svoje. poslije toga, mujo daje njoj
$500 maraka a cura mu kaze poslije: "ali to je samo $300 maraka." mujo
kazu "no, samo ti cuvaj" i kazu njoj laku noc. cure ide gazdi i kazu
mu "pa, ovaj je neki bogat. ja mu kazem da je samo $300 maraka a on
mi daje $500."
drugi noc, mujo se vrati. gazda mu kaze "kuca casti pice". mujo
popije svoju kavu i rakicu i onda gazda poreda cure ispred njega.
mujo kaze: "treca cu uzet". a gazda mu rece: "ali treca si imao
jucer." mujo odgovara: "no, treca je dobra". dobro, mujo ide gore
opet u sobi i obavlja svoje. i opet mujo daje njoj $500 maraka i kad
cura protestira, on samo kaze "samo ti uzmi". cure ide gazdi opet i
kaze "pa, ovaj je stvarno bogat. opet me dao $200 maraka vise nego
sto je trebao."
treci noc, mujo se vrati ponovno. gazda je vec povokao van crvenih
tepih - izabrao je najlijepsi stol za mujo - daje mu sve pice i hrane
besplatne. onda, opet poreda cure ispreda njega. mujo misli malo i
kaze "treca". gazda ne moze vjerovat "pa, vec si imao trecu - moze
imati bilo koje cure - svi su lijepi". ali mujo kazu "no, no - treca
mi je dobra". mujo ide gore i obavlja svoje ponovno. i opet, kao sto
i prije, daje curi $500 maraka. cura ne moze vjerovat: "moram vas
pitati: zasto vi uvijek dajte $500 maraka a ne $300?". a mujo njoj
pita: "pa, jesi li ti marija - hasina kcer?" ona: "a jesam, pa, sta
onda?" mujo: "ma, baba ti salje $1500 maraka!"
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here's your latest dose of croatian madness:
so, i was sitting on the tram (that's the local train for all you
non-croatian heathens - like chicago's el except on the ground) and
mindin my own business. oh, here i must mention - they have heated
seats during the winter! i must give credit to my (mostly) backwards
country - heated seats are niiiiiiice. anyway, so i was sittin there
and onto the train boards a chimney sweeper. he's obviously a chimney
sweeper by his dress - he's got this little funky hat and all that.
yes, chimney sweepers still exist. so, well, so what? he gets on and
the train moves on. well, a minute passes and one of the passengers
to my left starts talkin to the person behind him saying: "hey look!
a chimney sweeper....something, something..blahblabhlah." this
passenger is white haired man about 65 i'd say, maybe older. so out of
nowhere the old man gets out of his chair and all of a sudden walks up
to me, putting a hand on my chair saying: 'hey, hi. can you give
(something i can't hear) to me?" i didn't hear what he had said - i
thought i was begging for money at first. then, he said it again:
"can you give me (garbled) for the chimney sweeper?" while pointing at
the chimney sweeper - huh? my face tells him. the chimney sweeper
needs money? what the hell do you care? i'm wearing my velvet suit
coat - he reaches and starts grabbing the button on my coat: "the
button - the chimney sweeper needs a button - let me just take yours"
- ahhhh!! and he's already got his fingers on one of my buttons
starting to take it off. no, damn it! i grab his hand to take his
hands off of me - it's my button! MINE! i love my buttons! and with
that i bonk him on the head with my handbag, jump through the window
of the train and run off into the night, buttons intact.
alright, so that last bit doesn't happen but the stuff before does. i
do end up grabbing his hand and saying "no, no, no" and giving em a
look like 'what the fuck? are you crazy?" so, then he's like "do you
understand croatian?" yeah, i understand croatian - but i don't
understand why you want to take my buttons to give to the chimney
sweeper! so, he just goes back to his seat like nothing happened.
i get off at my stop and then i kind of begin to realize what the old
man was trying to do. i think he was trying to be funny: i think
there's a saying in croatia like "if you see a chimney sweeper, give
him a button" b/c i guess in all of that traveling up and down
chimneys and tap-dancing with dick van dyke you tend to lose a lot of
them. so i think he wanted me to play along and for me to joke 'oh,
yeah, he does need buttons doesn't he? hahaha"
but still - you don't just start going up to a stranger and try to
remove his buttons. take my money or my shoes but the buttons stay
on, motherfucker.
and with that, i leave you - i'm off to catch my bus to sarajevo to
visit some extended extended family (orphan kids that my family takes
care of during the summer).
be back in a week, happy turkey/tofu day, peace & love,
mime!
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so, i went to the bus station today b/c they have a post office there
and i needed to go there to pay my bills. the bus station always has
an exhibition (which usually lasts a month) of random artists and their work.
this month's exhibition is: porn.
let me tell you - it's pretty damn funny. the first thing a tourist
(of course, with his wife and kids) sees coming into croatia by bus is
naked women as far as the eye can see. they're pretty huge photos too -
about 9 feet tall.
i don't know how to comment on this one any further. i think it
pretty much speaks for itself.
mime!
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Some Croatian humor:
What is politics?
One day after school, little Johnny asked his dad what is Politics.
Tata told him: Here, I'll explain it to you:
I work and I get money so that makes me a Capitalist.
Your mother spends my money, so she's the Government.
Our maid is the Working Class.
We take care of you. So, you are the People.
And your little brother is our Future.
Little Johnny couldn't sleep that night thinking of those words.
Late in the night his little brother started to cry because he had to have his diapers changed.
Little Johnny went to his parents' bedroom to tell his mother.
His mother was in bed but soundly slept and didn't hear the baby crying.
He went to the maid's room and saw her and his father.
At the end, Johnny went back to his room.
The next day, his dad asked Johnny: so, do you understand what politics is?
Johnny said: Yes!
Capitalism uses the Working Class while the Government sleeps
Nobody takes care of the People,
and our Future is lying in shit!
That is politics!
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Maths jokes eh? About how you want to subtract my underwear, divide my legs, add your cock and multiply the population?
